Week 3: Five-Star Delusions.

BALLERS ONLY! FIRST! RATE! TAKE! Your team. Your fault.

Welcome to First Rate Take. Week three. Tonight, we are opening an imaginary hotel for fourteen fantasy managers who all think they deserve the penthouse. The name? Five-Star Delusions. The service? Absolutely fucking terrible.

At reception, John is trying to check into next week. He lost this week, so apparently the dates on his reservation are wrong. Astoria Hoops, thirteen fifteen. Astoria Professors, twelve eighty-nine. Twenty-six points. Mike Petridis has the win. John has a detailed explanation that nobody at the front desk is paid enough to read.

John told the group he is building for the future with Suggs. Lovely. Your current room has no hot water, but you have invested in a very promising kettle. Jalen Suggs is actually on the roster now. That part is real. The imaginary hotel still cannot accept potential as payment.

Hoops is three and oh. Ayo Dosunmu gives him one sixty-six. Donovan Clingan, one fifty-eight. Mike, enjoy the view. You beat John by twenty-six and you are going to describe it like you stormed a fucking beach. It was a close fantasy matchup. Put the commemorative bathrobe down.

And John? Checkout was Sunday. You cannot appeal the minibar.

Coming through the lobby: Lateef. First win of the season, already walking like he owns the building. NYC Above The Rim, thirteen ninety-two. Jamel, ten seventy-three. Three hundred and nineteen points. The reigning champion has arrived with luggage. Unfortunately, Lateef has packed his ass inside it.

Luka scores two eighteen fantasy points for the week, and suddenly Lateef has forgotten he was selling the entire experience two Mondays ago. He beat the champion and now the elevator music sounds like his entrance theme. Sir, you are one and two. Your key still opens the regular room.

Jamel, the championship robe does not cover a three-nineteen-point deficit. Darryn Peterson brought one sixty, Franz Wagner one fifty-two, and the rest of the hotel watched NYC disappear into the distance. There is no shame in one loss. There is considerable comedy in a loss big enough to need a connecting flight.

Lateef wrote, finally in the win column. Beautiful. His first two defeats were close. This victory had enough extra space to rent out as a studio apartment.

Next week, NYC gets the Brooklyn Kings. Jamel gets Brooklyn MuTONEbo. Lateef can argue about Giannis with Surin. Jamel gets to explain to Wemby that he is very tired and would appreciate some professional courtesy. Good luck with that shit.

On the top floor, Antonios is three and oh. Hoops is three and oh. Only two undefeated teams left. Surin saluted them in the group this morning. Very nice. Nothing makes a commissioner happier than announcing the people currently better than him.

Antonios beat Greek Freak, thirteen fourteen to twelve sixteen. Aris and Dan were ten points ahead entering Sunday. Ten. Then Antonios wins Sunday by a hundred and eight. Aris ordered a late checkout and got his belongings launched into the parking lot.

Shai supplied two nineteen. That is excellent. Jaylen Brown gave Antonios one eighty-eight, Okongwu one seventy-four, and the team around them finished the job. Aris, your king costume is at the dry cleaner. They are trying to remove the smell of premature celebration.

Down the corridor, Glass Factory beat Gimmie The Loot, twelve seventy-five to twelve thirty-five. Forty points. Dwayne wins a squeaker and immediately checks whether the penthouse has a vacancy. It does not. Please stop pressing all the elevator buttons.

Jokic, one ninety-four. Reaves, one sixty-seven. Dwayne got the room with the working television. Loot got the room where the remote has batteries, but only if you hold them in with your thumb. Mitchell, Maxey and Mobley worked. The final forty points did not arrive. On Point, the hotel regrets to inform you that almost is not a rewards tier.

Brooklyn MuTONEbo has discovered a win. Twelve ninety-eight beats Pulling From Deep's eleven oh-eight. Wemby, two fifty-eight. Miles Bridges, one ninety. Bam, one eighty-three. That is a very tall housekeeping staff carrying Antonio's suitcase up the stairs.

TONE used zero acquisitions. Manny used all six. One manager spent the week rearranging the furniture. The other hired a seven-foot-four man to pick up the whole fucking room. Manny, you lost by a hundred and ninety. Please stop telling reception you were extremely active during your stay.

Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Kings beat Jermaine, twelve oh-six to eleven twenty-six. Surin defended Giannis against the haters in the group. Giannis gives him two oh-one. Davion Mitchell adds one sixty-seven. Surin, you can now change your signature from unpaid Giannis bodyguard to manager with one win.

Jermaine, Saturday you gained a hundred and twenty-five on him. For a moment the door was opening. Sunday the Kings slammed it on your fucking suitcase. Eighty-point loss. Zero and three. Acuff gave you one seventy-nine. Booker, one sixty-one. There was effort on the court. The result still looks like an online booking scam.

Jermaine and Hiawatha are our last two winless guests. The basement is not a loyalty program. You are allowed to leave.

Janise has found the hotel's cheapest package: score ten forty-five, draw Hiawatha, collect the win. The Babycakes finished thirteenth in weekly scoring and still won by two forty-six. She booked a standard room and ESPN upgraded her to somebody else's misery.

Hiawatha, seven ninety-nine. Curry gave you one sixty-five. LeBron, one twenty-eight. Saddiq Bey, one twenty. There are functioning parts in there. The team as a whole still sounds like the ice machine outside room fourteen at three in the morning.

Janise is two and one and gets undefeated Hoops next. Hiawatha gets Glass Factory. No, we cannot move you to a quieter floor. You joined Ballers Only. Read the fucking booking conditions.

Time for the awards. Certified Baller Status goes to NYC Above The Rim. Thirteen hundred and ninety-two credited fantasy points. Seventy-seven clear of the next team. Lateef gets the gold key. It opens exactly one win. Try not to lose it in the pool.

G League Said No goes to Hiawatha. Seven hundred and ninety-nine. Lowest team score again. Two hundred and forty-six below the next-lowest team. We left a chocolate on your pillow. The pillow has requested a trade.

Certified Carry Job: Victor Wembanyama. Two hundred and fifty-eight credited player fantasy points for Brooklyn MuTONEbo. Thirty-nine above the next player. Wemby gets employee of the week. Antonio gets asked whether he helped carry anything at all.

No ties in those awards. Fourteen guests. One-star service. This has been First Rate Take. All sales final. Take your complaints to the group. We have disconnected the hotel phone.