New season. Same receipts.

Sixteen and four. Sixteen and four. Two regular seasons. Mike Petridis, at what point does the trophy get a vote? Welcome to Ballers Only. We're opening the Gazette before the new season. The rosters get a reset. The receipts do not. Get comfortable. Some of you are about to hear a very familiar score.

Court is now in session. Astoria Hoops versus the concept of finishing the job. Mike, the evidence is excellent. Sixteen wins and four losses in twenty twenty-five. Sixteen wins and four losses in twenty twenty-six. Thirty-two regular-season wins. You've made winning look routine. Then the playoffs ask a follow-up question, and suddenly the microphone stops working. The twenty twenty-six championship final: Jamel's Scary Team, one thousand seven hundred thirty-seven. Astoria Hoops, one thousand four hundred seventy-one. A two hundred sixty-six point eviction. Jamel didn't just take the trophy. He left Mike outside with the regular-season paperwork. And look who did it. In twenty twenty-four, Jamel finished last after the playoffs, following a seven and thirteen regular season. In twenty twenty-six, he won the championship from the fourth seed. Last place to first place. Somewhere in there, the scary team became everybody else's problem. The court recognizes Mike's consistency. We have prepared a certificate. It says: excellent attendance, trophy sold separately. Jamel gets the title. Mike gets the certificate. If you'd like to appeal, try winning the bracket.

A quick visit to the record room. John, Astoria Professors: twenty twenty-five champion, seventeen and three. Twenty twenty-six: fifth place. You've proved you can win the whole thing. Please stop turning the playoffs into a faculty meeting that should have been an email. Janise and The Babycakes: third in twenty twenty-five. Third in twenty twenty-six. While this room argues about who's dangerous, Babycakes keeps standing on the podium. I'd keep an eye on that. Lateef, NYC Above The Rim: the twenty twenty-four championship still counts. We checked. You can stop pointing at it for a minute. Dwayne, Glass Factory: runner-up in twenty twenty-five, nine and eleven the following season. That name gives the rest of us far too much material. Handle with care. Brooklyn Kings. Brooklyn MuTONEbo. Pulling From Deep. Jermaine's Finest Team. Antonios's Angry Team. The names make promises. We'd love to see the scoreboards back them up. On Point's Gimmie The Loot arrives with a demand already in the name. Fair enough. Bring the results, and we'll discuss the loot. And Greek Freak, Aris and Dan: two managers, one team. The lineup has to agree. The excuses can alternate.

Harlan Hott has a message for Hiawatha. I love a fresh start. Hiawatha gets one every autumn, and somehow the mail still arrives in the basement. Four wins. Fifty-six losses. That's the record across twenty twenty-four, twenty twenty-five, and twenty twenty-six. Sixty games of evidence, and you want me to throw out the file because the draft room opens again? Here's my challenge. Pick players you mean to use. Keep up with the roster. Make the rest of this room earn the joke for a change. I would happily retire this column if you stopped renewing its material. Rebuilding is allowed. A permanent construction permit is getting embarrassing.

One item from The Broker. John has an experimental league called the Lab. The organizational chart is simple: Ballers Only gets the main stage. The Lab gets the reps. Try the strange format. Learn something. Bring it back here. But a Lab win does not come with a Ballers Only ring. If you throw a parade for a developmental league, please make sure the bus fits through the gym door.

That's Ballers Only. New season, same witnesses. Jamel has the championship. Mike has the regular-season receipts. Hiawatha has a forwarding address. Save the predictions. Set the lineups. We'll come back when the scores give us something new to argue about. And Mike? Keep the certificate. It's the only thing we could print without checking the trophy cabinet.

Watch Harlan’s talking-host test.